'oh baby, I just started bleeding, can I call you back?'
(Sienna Miller, Factory Girl)

Grotesque

Don't go to kiddie places like the Internet Movie Database for this, or be prepared to pick the best films out of the 3-4 average rating bracket. Most movie lovers don't like an in their face approach, even if they often think they do. When acting style becomes a little different, budget seems low and a straight story is absent, bashing of gory movies and the people who appreciate them splatters all over the net. Yes, I consider extreme horror to be mine and I'm fucking sick of all the false assumptions, empty accusations and mainstream entries being viewed upon as the real deal. In all fairness, the guy in Saw III being drowned in pig intestines was entertaining, but in general the successful torture saga brought nothing but annoyance and boredom. Another pesky phenomenon is appreciation of extreme horror (and explicit sex) in arthouse hits, like Antichrist. It's a good film and Lars Von Trier is not to be blamed, but techniques like this are nothing new. Underground titles get trashed for the exact same thing, apparently audience accepts shameless metaphors only if money is spent on them. Oh well, mutual lack of understanding plays a huge part in the need for gore, it surely is an inconvenient truth and all. None of these are funny, don't watch them if neighbours are home or I'll hug you to death.

Those Frenchies sure know how to SHOCK these days. Haute tension, À l'intérieur, Frontière(s) and Sheitan set a high standard for the rest of the world to gaze at in awe, while those harrowing pieces of work are actually just flawed warmups for La Grande Finale (see #4 below). People looking for balance leaning towards conventional drama better find Dans ma peau (In My Skin, 2002, Marina de Van): depression and automutilation in everyday real life, for lack of a better description I'd say it cuts in deep. UK horror with children disappointed tremendously (Eden Lake, Mum & Dad, The Children, all 2008, all average), Japanese entries didn't fare much better, Grotesque being the biggest letdown. American underground and the French revolution are the frontrunners, in this heaven for those who have the guts to explore darkest depths.

Another fascinating conclusion in this category is that women ruled the decade. Certainly they have been butchered by men a lot, more than the other way round, and female directors are still rare. But think of Dario's daughter in a series of underrated giallos, just don't watch Argento anymore if you can't take it, whining haters! Juno got a giant cheer when she proclaimed him the master of horror, after which she was impressed by Herschell Gordon Lewis as well. This second master himself, no need for competition, made cannibal comedy Blood Feast 2: All U Can Eat, grinding meat again as if he had never been vanished for thirty years. Back to the ladies: Oxide Pang Chun (and his brother) directed a very nice string of troubled youngsters. Pounding photographer's drama Ab-normal Beauty is the best, while first Hollywood entry The Messengers, starring Kristen Stewart, deliberately used every American horror cliché in the book as an homage, to show that new doesn't necessariliy mean better. Of course reviewers were too busy patting themselves on the back for noticing and condemning these clichés. The stepmother of current oestrogen terror is The Descent, in which so-called best friends forever bump into each other in a claustrophobic cave. Frank Darabont followed a six year hiatus with big surprise The Mist (better than Shawshank, oh yes, hit me with your rhythm stick!) in which Marcia Gay Harden stole the show as a religious nutcase. Sarah Polley starred in a very respectable remake of zombie classic Dawn of the Dead. Oh well, as long as Rob Zombie still has fun: his House of 1000 Corpses and The Devil's Rejects are pure amusement parks.

Recently I've decided to simply quit defending Hostel (2005, Eli Roth) and The Passion of the Christ (2004, Mel Gibson), representing sex and love respectively. Sick to death of all those opinions totally devoid of empathy. As punishment I'll leave Calvaire (2004, Fabrice Du Welz), stunning kaleidscopic Belgian horror for true connoisseurs, on the subs bench.
 

5. Philosophy of a Knife
(2008, Andrey Iskanov)

A couple of characters in this four hour, black & white gorementary about Japanese Unit 731 in World War II: the amputation surgeon, the radioactivity experiment man, the dental torture girl. It certainly earns a nomination for the most violent film in history, but the trippy soundtrack and neurotic sound effects might be even harder to sit through. Philosophy of a Knife makes those old photographs of mass graves come to life, a real Russian doctor comments in between.
 

4. Martyrs
(2008, Pascal Laugier)

Martyrs is the one essential horror film of the decade. Interesting fact is that the second half is way less explicit than the first, but that doesn't mean it's any less shocking, terrifying and impressive. After a family massacre, automutilation, hallucinations, suicide and a bit of a headache, the real beatings starts. Contrary to what one might think, those are extra painful when the body is already numb. Although one scene has a bloody bath, this is far from a bloodbath.
 

3. Murder-Set-Pieces
(2004, Nick Palumbo)

What do you call a neonazi who does pushups to Hitler speeches and keeps pictures of himself all over his bloody basement, along with women hanging upside down wearing pig masks? A jock! This guy is a definite nutbag, not only venting his anger by extensive rape and other chainsaw related activities (Gunnar Hansen in the cast!), but getting rid of smart kids as well. Murder-Set-Pieces contains corny music, horny babes and graphic child murder.
 

2. Slaughtered Vomit Dolls
(2006, Lucifer Valentine)

Another murdered kid, but this time it seems to be by choice, by possession maybe. Besides, she's all grown up now, barely legal, responsible for her own actions. Slaughtered Vomit Dolls mixes the excremential pandemonium with cute and innocent childhood home video of a voluntary victim, creating what truly feels like inside the realm of the devil. Promises made by the title are delivered: nothing more and nothing less, seductive physical carnage in high density.
 

1. August Underground
(2001, Fred Vogel)

As you probably know by now, I'm a totally perverted serial killer suffering from low self esteem. When filth comes along that makes even me quit my job, it has to be something special. Like torture for the sake of entertainment, young men laughing through the whole snuff, while they smear shit on their victims. August Underground caused me to stop watching this kind of film for a couple of months, until the sequels were made of course. Fred Vogel is a friendly guy.

(Menni, untamed.nl 2009)