untamed.nl

'he stuck his cock in me and said I love you in that exact order, now I'm not afraid to die..'
(Ellen Page, The Tracey Fragments)

Batalla en el cielo

Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story

History has proven this will be the most popular article of the entire website for many years to cum, so better make it gooood, oh yeah baby! I'll try to stick in as many dirty words as possible, so that whatever illegal fetish you google for, this pornographic outrage will be the top result. You wouldn't believe the lovely search strings people used to arrive at my former site, 'cannibal sex' and 'polar bears' were the more civilized ones. Of course most people are looking for nudie pics of Angelina Jolie, Orlando Bloom and Dakota Fanning, for their personal collection. They will be disappointed, again.

Whether you're a 40 year old virgin or a sexy beast, like it trimmed (All the Girls Love Mandy Lane) or thick (Black Snake Moan, magnificent Christina Ricci), movie makers provide a lot of cunnilingus, fellatio, little scissoring here and there, an occasional venus butterfly (long live Wikipedia), all metaphors of course. Especially southern Europeans know about the heating and plumbing: Lucía (y el Sexo, 2001, Julio Medem) and Lila (dit ça, 2004, Ziad Doueiri) are up for grabs, even curvier is Frenchie of the decade Ludivine Sagnier (Swimming Pool, 2003, François Ozon). Particular girls (private remark for insiders) seemed to get off on Mexican road movie Y tu mamá también (2001, Alfonso Cuarón), a quickie compared to uncheerful Batalla en el cielo (2005, Carlos Reygadas). Another hornay double bill: Twentynine Palms and Irina Palm. Do you prefer your prostitution to be involuntary? Check out Lilja 4-ever (2002, Lukas Moodysson), a haunting portrait of an Estonian girl hoping for a better life in Sweden and not getting it. This summary could go on and on, sex is such a major theme, almost all movie has a piece of ass, dressed or not. Just ask dandy Liam Neeson as biologist Kinsey (2004, Bill Condon, what's in a name), apparently he knows it all. Still many omissions here, but now I have to get ready for my Donkey Punch date. You know, that wonderful technique: do it doggie style then knock her lights out at climax. Fun!

The Brown Bunny

What the copulate does mainstream mean anyway? When Oscar nominated Chloë Sevigny gave boyfriend Vincent Gallo real head in a sad intimate fantasy (The Brown Bunny, only one scene of it), the physical part was the only thing people talked about. No one seemed to remember that she showed her pussy already in her debut feature, apparently she doesn't make a big deal out of these things. Another strange phenomenon: Gallo is being called a perv all the time, what about the slut?! Live and let live I say, let actors who don't have a problem with nudity go all the way if they feel the need, respect those who don't as well. Ron Jeremy gets a giggle from me every time he pops up in a non-porn flick, but I leave the rest of his oeuvre alone because it's just not my thang. Actresses who claim they will NEVER go topless are hot, bit of a pity almost all of them break their promise later in life.

Everyone knows children don't ever think of sex and all pedophiles are preying all the time, movies are there to throw us off balance. Kevin Bacon is such a reliable guy, popping up every now and then with some acting of the highest quality. Together with his wife he appeared in The Woodsman (2004, Nicole Kassell), that necessary intelligent film about a convicted pedosexual returning to society. In Little Children (2006, Todd Field) another fellow with an interest in swimming pools reared his ugly head: Jackie Earle Haley got an Oscar nomination for his hard part. Probably remembered the most will be Hard Candy (2005, David Slade), Ellen Page's breakthrough as lolita, leaving it up to the audience to decide how innocent she really is. Still haven't decided on an exact rate of appreciation, it's a peculiar piece of arthouse provocation cum very regular thriller.

The Woodsman

'oh fuck my cock..'
(David Hyde Pierce, Wet Hot American Summer)

Skipped Parts
5. Skipped Parts
(2000, Tamra Davis)

Books don't tell you everything, let alone teachers or parents. Luckily cute films like Skipped Parts show us how everything will be alright, even if tween pregnancy is involved. Stellar supporting cast includes Jennifer Jason Leigh as liberal mother, the late Brad Renfro as jock and Drew Barrymore as dreamgirl. Of course the best parts are the ones that are usually skipped: fresh masturbation, fourteen year old Mischa Barton mumbling about horse sex, coffee before and after.

SM-rechter
4. SM-rechter
(S&M Judge, 2009, Erik Lamens)

Sadomasochism for a better marriage, only real life can come up with something this saucy. SM-rechter tells the true story of a Belgian judge making his wife happy by allowing her to fulfill her secret desires. First clumsy tries, twisted nipples, shady clubs, lost privacy and criminals are interesting, but this film's greatest strength lies in society's prejudiced judgment and the conclusion that true love can go a lot further than most of us dare to think.

Cloud 9
3. Cloud 9
(Wolke neun, 2008, Andreas Desen)

Cheating is ageless and a woman's body doesn't just shut off when she's in a respectable marriage. When a vivacious man enters the picture, life suddenly seems to make sense again. Cloud 9 shows tenderness and giggles, followed by guilt and grief, these elderly don't seem to have lost their youth. Only difference is the lack of possibility and time to come to terms with the consequences and start a new life. Seventh heaven disintegrates into wrinkled rain.

Story of the Eye
2. Georges Bataille's Story of the Eye
(2004, Andrew Repasky McElhinney)

Arranging narrative is a bourgeois mania, but porn flicks usually don't add a repetitive, depressing climbing of stairs to make a point. They don't start with a spoken introduction of a French philosophical writer, while a Caesarian section is being shown in its bloody glory. And porn doesn't leave the viewer pondering over its nihilistic pretentiousness, right back at you, in yer face. Story of the Eye leaves nothing to the gay, lesbian and bisexual imagination, except the meaning of it all.

9 Songs
1. 9 Songs
(2001, Michael Winterbottom)

Breakdown of romance in one hour, an orgasm is just an orgasm. One scene in particular shows the distance like never before. It's not even heartbreaking, just emptiness: he watches her masturbate, knowing she's drifting away in all other areas as well. Sweet dancing around in underwear, a relaxing smoke during a good gig, it will all be gone soon because her temperature is changing. 9 Songs wins by a landslide here. Cuddle, kiss, jerk, suck and fuck are real, the last time is the saddest.

(Menni, untamed.nl 2009)